It's Not Delivery, It's Kabuto
by Deidara Ritz
Summary: Sasuke longs for Naruto, but the scheming Orochimaru and Kabuto won't allow their love to blossom. Kabuto also fights an addiction to DiGiorno's rising crust pizza. Rated M for sexual content and potty humor.
1. It's Not Delivery, It's Kabuto

"KABUTOOOOOOO!" wailed Orochimaru.

"Yes Lord Orochimaru," said Kabuto, as he ran into Orochimaru's bedroom.

"Kabuto my dear, I'm feeling a bit weak today. Could you feed me some of your special medicine?"

Kabuto sighed. "Yes Lord Orochimaru."

"Do you have the spoon?"

"Right here in my pocket sir," said Kabuto. His glasses gleamed.

"You know what to do."

Kabuto pulled out his weiner. After about 5 minutes of intense rubbing, he jizzed into the spoon.

Orochimaru smiled.

"Open wide," said Kabuto as he put the spoon into Orochimaru's mouth.

Orochimaru's smiled faded.

"BLECH!" he screamed, spitting out the spoon.

"KABUTO! This tastes terrible! Have you been eating pizza lately?"

"Yes," sighed Kabuto.

"Why are you getting pizza delivered to our house?" demanded Orochimaru.

"It's not delivery… it's DiGiorno," smiled Kabuto.

"Kabuto, this is unacceptable. I refuse to consume your sour pizza jizz. Desperate times call for desperate measures. SASUKEEEEEE! Get in here!"

Sasuke Uchiha entered the room.

"Sasuke, Kabuto has been a bad boy and has been eating too much pizza lately. I need to take my medicine, so you'll have to make it for me today."

Sasuke sighed.

"Here, take this spoon. You know what to do," giggled Orochimaru.

"I need something to look at that isn't your face," sighed Sasuke.

"Very well. Someday you will learn to love me," said Orochimaru. He used his tongue to hand Sasuke a nude photo of Naruto.

Sasuke blushed. It took only a few seconds and the spoon was full.

"Oh my Sasuke, that's a lot of jizz. Perhaps next time I should give you a LADLE!" laughed Orochimaru.

"Yeah whatever," said Sasuke, shoving the spoon into Orochimaru's mouth.

Orochimaru swallowed it in one gulp. "Mmm, that was scrumptious. From now on Sasuke you will go on a special diet and eat only the freshest fruits and vegetables so your jizz will taste sweet and delicious."

"I'm tired of jizzing in spoons for you. When am I going to learn cool forbidden jutsu?" asked Sasuke.

"I'll teach you a special jutsu… it's called the BUST A NUT JUTSU!" said Orochimaru, laughing.

"Ugh," said Sasuke.

 _Naruto would never do this to me…_ he thought to himself.


	2. The Text

Sasuke tossed and turned in his bed. Sleep would be impossible tonight. So much was going through his head.

 _Should I do it?_ he thought to himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by voices in the other room. Sasuke could hear the conversation perfectly.

"Kabuto-kun, are you ready yet?"

"Mmmm…"

"Ooh somebody's speechless tonight."

"Mmmm…"

"Open wide Kabuto…. BLECH! Kabuto your mouth is filled with pizza! No wonder you can't speak!"

"But I was hungry,"

"The only thing you should be hungry for is my dick!"

Sasuke sighed. He had heard enough. _Those two are always bickering. I need to listen to something else for once._

He reached under his mattress and pulled out one of his most prized possessions: a DVD of Grease that Naruto had given him.

Sasuke crawled out of bed, turned on the tv, and put the DVD in.

 _Perfect_ he thought. _Just what I needed._

He watched Danny and Sandy dance whimsically across the screen. _Maybe someday I'll have a relationship like that. But I'll never get anywhere if I don't tell him…_

Sasuke pulled out his cellphone. The music of the Grease musical had stirred courage in him that he had never felt before. It was 3 AM and he was feeling saucy.

He looked through his contacts in his phone until he found a certain name. Naruto.

"Hey" he texted.

In a matter of seconds he received a response.

"Hey"

Now was his chance.

"I miss you"

The response was immediate.

"I miss you too. Come back to the Hidden Leaf Village!"

Sasuke couldn't contain his excitement.

"I will. Tomorrow. Meet me at Chilli's at 7"

Sasuke smirked.

"Yummy!" responded Naruto.

Sasuke replied with a winking face. Finally, he was going on a date with Naruto Uzumaki.


	3. Kabuto's Promise

Sasuke felt something long and sticky pat his forehead. He jolted out of bed.

"What the hell is this?" he said, as he grabbed the mysterious object.

It was Orochimaru's tongue.

The tongue was coming out of the small crack under Sasuke's door.

"Ew," he said, flicking the tongue off of his forehead.

"Oh good you're awake. I have a special gift outside your door!" Orochimaru called from outside Sasuke's door.

Sasuke crawled out of bed and opened his door. Orochimaru was standing outside holding a large edible arrangement of fruit.

"Here you go Sasuke-kun, be sure to eat all of this!" Orochimaru said with a grin.

Sasuke took the edible arrangement and shut the door.

He nibbled on the fruit. It wasn't very satisfying.

 _I bet Kabuto has some real food_ Sasuke thought.

He sauntered out of his room, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Sure enough Kabuto was sitting in the middle of the kitchen, eating a slice of DiGiorno's pizza.

"Kabuto, can I have some of that pizza?" asked Sasuke.

Kabuto's glasses shone. "I thought you would never ask," he said, offering Sasuke a slice.

Sasuke shoved the delicious pizza into his mouth. "Be careful, your jizz is going to be extra sour after eating that," said Kabuto with a smile.

"I don't care," said Sasuke.

Kabuto smiled. "What are you up to today?"

"Oh I'm going to Chilli's with Naruto," said Sasuke confidently.

"Sasuke, you're not allowed to leave Orochimaru's hideout you know," said Kabuto sternly.

"Come on Kabuto, do me a solid and don't tell Orochimaru. Maybe you guys could work on your relationship while I'm gone?"

"WE'RE NOT HAVING PROBLEMS OKAY!" insisted Kabuto.

"I'll buy you a delicious DiGiorno frozen pizza," said Sasuke.

"Done," said Kabuto.


	4. It's A Date!

"Kabuto this foot rub is heavenly," said Orochimaru.

Kabuto grinned.

"You never give me foot rubs anymore… What are you hiding from me?" said Orochimaru playfully.

"Nothing sir, just wanted to treat you to something special."

"Well, maybe we should do something together tonight, just you and me. I know! We should have a nice date night at Chili's!" exclaimed Orochimaru.

Kabuto's smile faded. _If we go to Chili's and see Sasuke with Naruto, I'll never get that free DiGiorno's pizza…_ he thought.

"Orochimaru, what about a more romantic restaurant? Like Olive Garden? Or Applebee's?" said Kabuto.

"NO! ONLY CHILI's!" demanded Orochimaru. "Plus I have a coupon. Be ready by 7!"

Kabuto frowned.

"Kabuto, what's wrong? Don't tell me you're jealous of Sasuke," said Orochimaru with a smirk.

"I'm not jealous."

"Kabuto, I made it very clear from the beginning that we would have an open relationship. Maybe I should bring Sasuke with us…"

"Don't be silly Orochimaru, Sasuke doesn't like Chili's," lied Kabuto.

 _I must get that free DiGiorno's pizza, no matter what it takes._ Kabuto thought to himself.

"Very well. It'll just be you and I. Don't spoil your dinner by eating that horrible pizza," said Orochimaru.

 _You don't own me, I can do what I want, and I'm going to eat 3 DiGiorno pizzas within the next hour_ thought Kabuto.

Orochimaru would never understand…


	5. A Very Special Dinner

Sasuke sat alone at the bar at Chili's. He eagerly checked his phone.

 _It's 7:04, where is he?_

The door opened. Naruto Uzumaki strolled into the Hidden Leaf Chili's. Sasuke felt his heart melt.

"Over here Naruto-kun!" he called, beckoning Naruto to the bar.

Naruto beamed and made his way to Sasuke.

"Sasuke! You came back to the Hidden Leaf Village!" said Naruto, wiping away a tear in his eye.

"There were some things that I could never leave behind forever," Sasuke said, blushing slightly.

"I had no idea your love for Chili's was that deep," said Naruto.

"Yes… Chili's…"

"Well I'm starving! Let's eat!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Naruto, you know they don't serve ramen at Chili's you know. Why don't you have one of my mozzarella sticks?" said Sasuke.

Sasuke stuck a mozzarella stick in his mouth and leaned forward.

"Sasuke you weirdo, I'm not going to eat the one you have in your mouth,"

"Oh…"

Naruto grabbed a handful of mozzarella sticks and shoved them into his mouth.

"MMMM THIS IS YUMMY!"

Sasuke's heart fluttered. _He's so beautiful when he eats…_

Sasuke was so enamored with Naruto that he didn't care about the fact that Naruto had inhaled all of his mozzarella sticks.

"I'm still hungry! I'm gonna order a hot dog!" yelled Naruto.

 _That's hot_ thought Sasuke.

The bartender handed Naruto a hot dog.

"Can I have a bite of that?" asked Sasuke.

"Sure thing!" said Naruto as he jammed one end of the hot dog into his mouth.

Sasuke leaned forward towards Naruto. He took a massive bite of the hot dog while it was still in Naruto's mouth. Their lips almost touched.

"Sasuke you almost ate my entire hot dog, you silly goose," said Naruto.

Sasuke grinned. "Naruto, I wanted to talk to about something."

"What is it Sasuke?"

"It's something I've always wanted to tell you," he said, gently putting his hand on Naruto's thigh. He heard a noise from the back of the restaurant.

 _Could it be…. No no no it can't be…_

"Naruto! I want you to give me a tour of the Hidden Leaf Village, starting with your apartment," said Sasuke, jerking his hand off Naruto's leg. He threw money at the bartender.

"Why are you in such a hurry?"

"Because… I'm very excited to be back here, after all these years and I forgot what your house looks like," lied Sasuke.

"Well okay! Maybe we can get a second dinner of ramen too. Believe it!" smiled Naruto.

"I'd like that," said Sasuke, grinning.


	6. Check Please

_I'm sorry Sasuke_ thought Kabuto as he walked into the Hidden Leaf Chili's holding hands with Orochimaru.

"Kabuto, let's sit in that booth over there!" giggled Orochimaru.

Kabuto's glasses gleamed. He spotted Sasuke sitting with Naruto at the bar. _At least I can keep an eye on them from here._

They sat down. Kabuto used his menu as a shield to hide his face.

"Kabuto, what are you doing with your menu? Are you ashamed of me?"

"No… I just really like looking at this menu…"

"You're a terrible liar Kabuto! You can't fool me… And why do you keep staring at the bar?"

"I… uhh…"

Orochimaru stretched his neck several feet to get a better look at the patrons at the bar.

His neck snapped back. "Kabuto! Did you know Sasuke is sitting at the bar in this very restaurant with that fool Naruto Uzumaki?"

"Maybe"

"Insolent boy! I shall punish him when we return home!"

"Are you going to say something to him now?"

"No… I'll wait. We must stare at him until he notices and feels awkward,"

The two men glared angrily at Sasuke and Naruto. Sasuke stared dreamily into Naruto's eyes and did not notice them.

"You know Orochimaru, maybe he's sneaking out because he feels like he isn't being treated very well by you,"

"Impossible! I make him fill up my special spoon 3 times a day!"

"Well yeah, but forcing someone to jizz into a spoon isn't the way to win his heart. You should do something nice for Sasuke,"

"Hmm… excellent idea Kabuto. But what to do?"

"Well, he has been obsessed with his Grease DVD lately. You should have a Grease themed party for Sasuke,"

"Splendid! And since I am feeling generous today, perhaps we should invite Naruto. Maybe Sasuke will have a 3-way with myself and the little fool," said Orochimaru excitedly.

"Perfect," said Kabuto, his glasses gleaming. _If they have a 3-way I can eat as much pizza as I want without it ruining my sex life._

Suddenly Sasuke noticed their intense staring. He jolted up and dragged Naruto away from the bar and out of the Hidden Leaf Chili's.

"Mmmm… Check please!" shouted Orochimaru.


	7. Confessions

_That was a close one_ thought Sasuke as he and Naruto ran out of the Hidden Leaf Chili's. He knew Kabuto and Orochimaru had definitely seen him with Naruto, but he didn't care at this point.

He turned towards Naruto, who was doing his signature run, his back bent with his arms flapping careless in the breeze.

 _How did I get so lucky…_ he thought.

"Hurry up slowpoke, we're almost to my apartment!" shouted Naruto gleefully.

Sasuke smiled.

Even though Naruto lived in the projects of Konoha, Sasuke still found Naruto's apartment charming.

"Can we go inside?" asked Sasuke.

"Of course we can! Would you like me to make you some ramen?"

"No thank you, I just want to sit and talk for a little bit,"

"Sounds great!" said Naruto.

He unlocked the door. Sasuke entered. Naruto hadn't bothered to clean up the apartment and it was quite messy. A pile of dirty clothes took up his couch.

"Sorry, I've been kind of busy on the campaign trail for Hokage and I didn't have time to clean up," said Naruto. "I'm going to make myself some ramen!"

Naruto left the living room and entered the kitchen.

Once Naruto was out of sight, Sasuke picked the pile of dirty clothes off the couch. Naruto's boxers fell off the top.

 _These are Naruto's used boxers_ thought Sasuke, leaning over to pick them up. He looked around the room. There was no sight of Naruto anywhere. _Jackpot!_

He took a deep breath and inhaled the intoxicating aroma of Naruto's dirty underwear. He then quickly threw the boxers on the floor next to the pile of clothes.

"You okay in there Sasuke?" asked Naruto from the kitchen.

"Yes fine!" lied Sasuke.

Naruto entered the room with a bowl of ramen. "Do you have a cold Sasuke? I heard a lot of sniffling noises in here,"

"Everything is fine," said Sasuke. He began to sweat. _If I don't say something now, he'll never know…_

Naruto sat next to Sasuke on the couch.

Sasuke faked a yawn so he could put his arm around Naruto.

"Mmm thanks Sasuke! It was getting a little chilly in here!"

"Naruto-kun, do you remember when we fought Haku on the bridge in the Land of the Waves?"

"Of course I do! You almost died!"

"Well, almost dying was worth it, because I was trying to save you," said Sasuke.

"Aww that's really nice, but why is this relevant right now?"

"When I was laying there, in your arms, and I thought it was all going to end, all I could think about was you. I've never felt the same way about anyone else before. When we accidentally kissed when we first met, it was the happiest moment of my life. I can't spend another day without you. I've come back to the Hidden Leaf Village because I love you Naruto."

Sasuke leaned in and kissed Naruto passionately. He nibbled on Naruto's upper lip, then proceeded to stick his tongue in Naruto's mouth.

Sasuke's euphoria was cut short. Naruto gently pushed Sasuke away.

"Sasuke! Whoa…." exclaimed Naruto. He took a moment to collect his thoughts.

Sasuke started panting heavily. _I blew it._

" I didn't know you had crush on me," said Naruto quietly. "I mean I like you as a person, but I don't like you as more than a friend," said Naruto.

Sasuke was crushed. "I just thought, you know, because you tried so hard to get me to come back to the Hidden Leaf Village, it was because you had feelings for me," said Sasuke.

"Well it was because you were my friend. You still are my friend. But I don't think I could be with you in a romantic way," said Naruto. "Sorry Sasuke."

Sasuke's eyes filled with tears. He bolted up from the couch and ran out of Naruto's apartment.

"Sasukeeee! Come back!" called Naruto, but Sasuke kept running.


	8. Winner Winner Pizza Dinner

Kabuto waited anxiously outside Sasuke's room.

 _Where could he be? It's getting late and I need that free DiGiorno's pizza._

"Kabuto! What are you doing? I'm feeling a little frisky tonight and need your assistance," beckoned Orochimaru from his bedroom.

"I'll be there as soon as Sasuke comes back!" called Kabuto.

"Excellent idea, we'll invite him to play with us!" laughed Orochimaru.

Kabuto heard an odd noise. _That must be Sasuke_ he thought. _But he's usually so quiet…_

Sasuke ran through the hallway of Orochimaru's hideout, sobbing uncontrollably. He ran past Kabuto into the bedroom and slammed the door shut.

 _Drama queen_ thought Kabuto.

"Sasuke-kun, are you alright in there?"

"Go away, I'm dead!" retorted Sasuke.

"Sasuke, you promised me a DiGiorno's pizza. You know I am not a patient man. Besides isn't it your ninja way to never go back on your word?"

"No! That's HIS ninja way!" Sasuke sobbed.

 _His? Oh, he must mean that fool Naruto Uzumaki._

"I still want my pizza,"

The door opened. Sasuke threw a box of pepperoni DiGiorno's pizza as hard as he could at Kabuto and shut the door once more.

"Fair enough," said Kabuto.

"KABUTOOO! GET IN HERE NOW BEFORE YOU EAT THAT PIZZA!" demanded Orochimaru.

Kabuto sprinted down the hall to Orochimaru's room and opened the door. The room was illuminated solely by candles. Orochimaru was sitting up in bed.

"I think it's time for someone's medicine," said Kabuto, as his glasses gleamed. Orochimaru smiled.

"Say, Orochimaru," said Kabuto as he pulled out his weiner. "Why are you keeping Sasuke around anyway? You don't need to regenerate your body for 3 more years. Is it because you can't move your arms?"

"Well Kabuto, you know I am obsessed with immortality. You and Sasuke's special medicine is what keeps me young and supple."

"Then why don't you just have me make your special medicine and let Sasuke go?"

"Because you fool, you can barely manage to make me a spoonful of your medicinal jizz. Meanwhile Sasuke, who is young and handsome, can fill an entire ladle. My ultimate goal is for Sasuke to learn the bus-a-nut jutsu and fill up an entire bucket! I'll be young forever!" laughed Orochimaru.

"Oh Orochimaru , you're so bad…" said Kabuto as he filled the spoon. He stuck the spoon in his master's mouth. Orochimaru swallowed the contents in one gulp.

"Well, now that you've taken your medicine, I can finally eat my pizza!"

It was the best day of Kabuto's life.


	9. Chrysanthemum

Sasuke sobbed uncontrollably into his pillow.

 _How could I be so stupid? I should have known Naruto didn't have feelings for me. But that still doesn't make it hurt any less…_

Sasuke opened the curtains of his room. He could see the sun begin to rise.

 _I've spent the entire night crying over Naruto, what's wrong with me? I should be more focused on learning special jutsus from Orochimaru, not chasing after some silly blonde boy._

Sasuke felt an intense pain in his lower abdomen. _That's odd…_ he thought. _It's probably just food poisoning from Chili's… I should go to the bathroom._

Sasuke wiped tears from his eyes as he finally climbed out of bed and left his room.

 _I should talk to someone about this, but who? Kakashi is mad at me for leaving the Leaf Village, Sakura is annoying, Orochimaru is a freaking weirdo, and Kabuto only cares about pizza. Wait a minute! There's only one person who won't judge me… Itachi!_

Sasuke walked past the kitchen. The entire kitchen was covered in boxes of DiGiorno pizza. _Kabuto must have been here…_ thought Sasuke. He felt an intense pain in his stomach and hurried to the bathroom.

 _I should go visit Itachi today, he still lives in the old Uchiha village. He can help me with my problems._

Sasuke entered the bathroom. _What an odd sensation…_ he thought. _It feels like I have to poop and pee at the same time. Perhaps I should try peeing first._

He unzipped his pants. He found himself straining to pee. _What's going on here?_

He felt sweat begin to trickle down his brow. His face slowly turned a deep red. His hands were clenched into fists. At long last something came out. But it wasn't what Sasuke was expecting.

A long skinny poo dangled from Sasuke's weiner. Sasuke screamed.

"Sasuke! Are you alright in there? I heard screaming," called Orochimaru.

"I'm… uhh… fine. Just saw a snake," lied Sasuke.

"Oh dear me, my snakes are getting a little out of control lately. What does the snake look like dear?"

"Uhh… it's… long… and… brown," _Just like my poo._

"Oh my. Sounds like a nasty one. Could you bring it out here and show me once you're done?"

"Uhh… it slithered out the window," lied Sasuke as he cleaned himself up. _That was a close one… and why did I poop out my weiner? Perhaps I should ask Itachi about this…_

"Hmmm that's odd, I don't recall that bathroom having a window," said Orochimaru.

Sasuke eagerly flushed the toilet.

"Oh wait it just came back in, and I just flushed it down the toilet," Sasuke called.

He opened the door as soon as he was finished. Orochimaru was waiting.

"Oh would you look at the time Sasuke, it's time for my medicine!" smiled Orochimaru.

 _I don't want to accidentally poop in the spoon, Orochimaru couldn't have picked a worse time for this!_

"Uhh actually, I'm not feeling so good and I don't think I'll be able to fill your spoon today. Go ask Kabuto to do it."

"That is disappointing. Oh well, perhaps I'll try something different today. I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. Her name is Chrysanthemum. But be careful, she's a little shy."

"I don't have time for this. I need to talk to Itachi today," said Sasuke.

"Chrysanthemum is right here in this very room," said Orochimaru. He turned his back to Sasuke, leaned forward, and slowly began to pull down his pants, revealing his wrinkly pink butt-hole.

Sasuke turned away in horror. _Orochimaru has completely lost his mind!_

"Don't stare too long or she'll start to blush!" giggled Orochimaru.

Suddenly something whizzed past Sasuke's ear. Using his sharingan, he could see it was a piece of pizza, thrown by the mischievous Kabuto. The pizza landed on Orochimaru's left butt cheek. Orochimaru began to shart violently in Sasuke's face.

"Oh dear me, it seems Chrysantehmum got a little spooked by something. She is very defensive you know!" chuckled Orochimaru.

Sasuke angrily wiped the poo off his face. "That's it! I'm going to see Itachi right now!" and stormed out.

"Oh Sasuke, be back by 7, me and Kabuto are going to have a special surprise for you when you return!" laughed Orochimaru.


	10. The Uchiha Curse

Sasuke ran as fast as he could out of Orochimaru's hideout.

 _Seeing Orochimaru's butt-hole was worse than Itachi's tsukuyomi_ shuddered Sasuke. _I hope I never have to look at "Chrysanthemum" ever again!_

 _I'm glad I have Itachi that I can talk to about my boy problems. After all, Itachi is about as straight as a rainbow himself!_

Soon he arrived at his old house in the Uchiha village. He knocked on the door.

Itachi opened the door. His eyes looked slightly red and his face lines looked deeper than usual. "Sasuke! Good to see you little brother," said Itachi.

"You look terrible. What's wrong?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh, haha, you kind of caught me at a bad time. Come in and I'll tell you all about it,"

"Well that's the reason why I came here. I'm having problems too," said Sasuke as he entered the house. He was shocked. The house which Itachi usually kept pristine was a complete mess.

"What's going on here?" asked Sasuke. He picked up a photograph on the floor near his foot. It was a picture of all the members of the Akatsuki. However, two of the members had large red X's over their faces.

"And what's _this_ about?" said Sasuke, waving the photograph in front of Itachi.

Itachi sighed. "Kisame broke up with me last night," he said quietly.

"Oh no…"

"He dumped me for Deidara," said Itachi, clenching his fists.

"Hey take it easy, there's plenty of other-"

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! KISAME DID THINGS FOR ME THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD DARE TO DO!" screamed Itachi, as his Sharingans activated.

"Was it anal?"

Itachi began to laugh. "Oh Sasuke," he said, shaking his head. "You see, I've been around the block a few times. Hell, I've fucked every single member of the Akatsuki. Except Konan, because I'm not into the ladies. But Kisame was different…"

"Weren't you dating Deidara at one point? Is that why you're so weirdly emotional about this?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes. But Deidara wasn't like Kisame. Deidara was a selfish lover. Although there was that one time he ate out my ass with the mouth on his hand for 6 hours…"

"ITACHI EWW! I've had enough of this. I'm here because Naruto broke my heart and I don't know what to do. Also I pooped out my dick this morning."

Itachi sighed. "Ahh yes… the Uchiha Curse strikes again."

"Uchiha Curse? You mean us Uchihas are unlucky in love right?"

"Yes… and no. Did you ever consider that maybe Naruto breaking your heart and pooping out your dick are connected?"

Sasuke froze. "What?"

"You see Sasuke, the Uchiha Curse rears its ugly head whenever a member of the Uchiha Clan experiences heartbreak. It's sort of like a Kekkai Genkai. But it comes at a terrible price. That price is the excruciating pain of pooping out your dick,"

"How do you know about this?"

"Because…" said Itachi, tears in his eyes, "I have it too."

 _My god he is an emotional wreck_ thought Sasuke.

"It started when my first boyfriend Shisui died. I pooped out my dick for a week straight. Then, when I killed the entire clan, it became even worse. My poop started to heat up. In fact my poop is about 400 degrees Fahrenheit when it leaves my body. As a result, every time I poop, it cauterizes my own asshole. The pain is unbearable."

"That's disgusting!"

"You see, the reason why Kisame was so special to me was because he used his Samehada sharkskin sword to cut me a new butt-hole whenever mine would crust over. Even before we started dating, he would take one for the team and do it out of the goodness of his heart. But now he's going to be too busy with Deidara…" said Itachi.

"So that Uchiha curse must be hitting you extra hard right?" asked Sasuke.

Itachi motioned towards the bathroom. Sasuke curiously walked inside. Inside of a toilet and sink all he could find was mangled porcelain and pipes.

"Wha-Where's the bathroom?" asked Sasuke.

"YOU'RE STANDING ON IT!" roared Itachi.

"Gaaahhhh!" screamed Sasuke. "Is there any way to get rid of this horrible curse?"

"Well there is one way I suppose, but it's nearly impossible. You must learn the bust-a-nut justsu. But that jutsu is so difficult, even I haven't mastered it."

"I've heard of that justsu, Orochimaru mentioned it once," said Sasuke.

"Ugh, Orochimaru. Why do you live with that weirdo anyway? He only keeps you around so he can steal your body in 3 years. Plus he's into weird kinky sexual things."

"Orochimaru is teaching me powerful jutsus!" insisted Sasuke.

"Oh yeah? Name two that he taught you…"

"Umm… uhhh… well… he'll teach me the bust-a-nut justsu when I ask him."

"Ha! He'll only teach you that so he can control your dick! What do you even do for most of the day at Orochimaru's house?"

"I… fill up spoons and ladles with my jizz," said Sasuke.

"WHAT?" said Itachi. "Isn't that Kabuto's job?"

"He's been eating too much pizza lately so I have to do it. Besides, that nothing compared to the weird sexual things you've done with Deidara and Kisame!"

"Yeah but I didn't trick Deidara into eating my ass. Orochimaru tricked you into living with him just so he can eat your jizz and steal your body. That isn't what being a ninja is all about! Now, let me make you some eggs," said Itachi.


	11. Preparations

"Hurry up Kabuto! We need to have everything ready for Sasuke's Grease party by 7!" demanded Orochimaru.

"Lord Orochimaru, it's only noon. We have plenty of time. Besides have you even seen Grease before? Is that why you're not helping me make these Pink Ladies and T-Birds jackets?"

"OF COURSE I'VE SEEN GREASE YOU IDIOT!" retorted Orochimaru.

"Okay, well then what's the plot of Grease?"

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed. "Well… it's about… ladles?"

Kabuto laughed. "I knew you hadn't seen it. Well it's a beautiful love story with singing and dancing in it."

"Well who cares if I've seen the movie or not? And what is a T-Bird?" asked Orochimaru as he glanced at Kabuto's handiwork.

"The T-Birds are the gang that the leading man, Danny Zuko, belongs to. I made this for Sasuke. We will be wearing _these_ ," said Kabuto, holding up two pink satin jackets with the words "Pink Ladies" stitched on the back.

"What on Earth is this?" asked Orochimaru.

"Please wear it for Sasuke. He'll never be able to fill up the jizz bucket if we don't cheer him up with this party."

"Very well. I'll do it for Sasuke. Oh and Kabuto, I'm planning a special treat for Sasuke at the party."

"What is this special treat?" asked Kabuto.

"I'm going to kidnap Naruto and bring him to the party of course!"

"How are you going to do that? Naruto hates you."

"You silly fool I'm just going to set a trap for him outside his apartment. All we need is some ramen to lure him out!"

"Excellent idea! Now help me make this Rydell High School banner!" said Kabuto, as his glasses gleamed.


	12. Unwelcome Guests

"Here are your eggs Sasuke," said Itachi, handing Sasuke a plate full of eggs.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Hmm I wonder who that could be?" said Itachi.

"Well it can't be someone from the Uchiha village, because you killed them all," said Sasuke.

"Like I could forget that!" said Itachi.

Itachi opened the front door. He gasped.

"What's wrong?" asked Sasuke, peering around the corner.

Kisame was standing at the front door, holding his large sharkskin sword.

 _I can't believe that sword has been up Itachi's butthole_ thought Sasuke. _And why is he here anyway?_

Sasuke noticed Kisame was not alone. A tall blonde figure was also waiting outside.

"Kisame," said Itachi.

"Itachi."

"Why did you come back?"

"I came to get my stuff," said Kisame.

"Why did you bring _him_?" demanded Itachi.

"Because I felt like coming, bitch!" said the blonde figure.

"Deidara, be nice," said Kisame. "Me and Deidara have plans, and thought we would stop by beforehand. May we come in?" said Kisame. Sasuke could tell his excessive politeness was just an act.

Itachi angrily opened the door and let them in. He turned towards Sasuke. His sharingans were activated.

"Wow, what a shithole!" exclaimed Deidara as they entered the messy apartment. His eyes locked onto Sasuke. "OOOH WHO IS THIS?" he squealed.

"That's Itachi's brother, Sasuke," Kisame explained.

"Well! Good looks run in the family. If I wasn't tied down to fish-face over here, I'd be all over _you_ ," Deidara said. "I bet you like blondes," Deidara added, casually flipping his golden locks into Sasuke's face.

 _You have no idea_ thought Sasuke.

"Deidara, stop flirting with Sasuke! You're going to make me jealous," said Kisame playfully, tickling Deidara with his sword.

"Itachi-boo-boo, make us some tea. The thirst is real over here!" laughed Deidara. He gave Kisame a kiss on the cheek with the mouth on his hand.

"I'm going to get my stuff out of my room- I mean Itachi's room," said Kisame.

"I'll be in the kitchen!" said Deidara. He sashayed past Sasuke to sit at the table while Itachi made tea. Sasuke peered through the doorway.

Deidara rested his chin in his hands, batting his eyelashes at Itachi. Itachi angriliy gripped the handle of the tea kettle.

"So… Itachi. You must be so lonely now that Kisame is moving in with me," said Deidara.

Itachi said nothing. Deidara continued to prattle on.

"Well don't get too sad. You'll find someone else eventually. I mean you're kind of a big slut, Itachi. You've fucked more people in the Akatsuki than I have!"

Itachi continued his silence.

"You know, I remember a time when _we_ used to fuck each other. Ahh those were some good times. I remember one time when I licked your crusty-ass butt-hole for 6 hours!" exclaimed Deidara. The tongue in the mouth of his palm began to make sensual licking movements.

"Well if things don't work out with Kisame, maybe I'll lick Sasuke's butt-hole too! Isn't that how you earn a sharingan or something?" Deidara added.

Itachi finally lost his temper.

"That's it! I've had enough of your foul language, your relationship with Kisame, and your freaky mouth hands. I'll teach you not to steal boyfriends from the Uchihas, you flaxen haired freak. Tsukuyomi!"

Deidara began to scream in horror.

"For the next 72 hours, you will be forced to watch the worst movie ever made: 'Little Nicky' starring Adam Sandler."

Itachi laughed as Deidara began to scream and roll around on the floor. Even the mouths on his palms were screaming.

Sasuke tried to turn his head away, but ended up colliding with Kisame. He realized he was inches away from Kisame's shark sword.

"Careful there kid, you don't want to know where that sword has been! Hey- what's going on in there!"

He saw Deidara's limp body and Itachi maniacally laughing in the kitchen.

"Itachi! Stop that right now! It's time for me and Deidara to go now."

He scooped Deidara up in his arms and ran out the door.

"Kisame… Noo… Come back," whispered Itachi.


	13. Hopelessly Devoted To You

"Itachi stop crying!" insisted Sasuke.

"I can't!"

 _He looks so pathetic laying on the ground, rolling around in old pictures he took of Kisame. He needs to get out of here._

"Itachi, why don't you come back to Orochimaru's hideout with me? He said he was planning a surprise for me at 7. Maybe you should come with me in case he has something super weird or gross in store for me. I hope it doesn't involve Chrysanthemum, and if it does, then you can use your Tsukuyomi on him."

"Well alright. By the way, who is Chrysanthemum?"

Sasuke laughed. "It's a long story."

The Uchiha brothers began to walk back to Orochimaru's hideout.

"How are you able to find this place? It's in the middle of the woods," Itachi wondered aloud.

"It's easy to find this place, just follow the smell of Kabuto's DiGiorno pizza!" said Sasuke.

"Wow, the smell of DiGiorno's pizza is really strong, we must be getting close," said Itachi. "Does the strong smell of pizza ever bother you?"

"Well when you live with Kabuto, you get used to the smell of DiGiorno's pizza."

The two brothers entered Orochimaru's hideout. "Why is it so dark in here?" wondered Sasuke aloud.

Suddenly the lights were switched on.

"Oh there you are Sasuke! You're just in time for your party!" said Orochimaru, slithering forward. He was wearing the satin Pink Ladies jacket Kabuto had lovingly sewn for him. His hair had been tightly curled.

"Orochimaru what is this?"

"Oh can't you tell? I've turned my hideout into Rydell High School from your favorite movie, Grease, and I'm dressed up as the femme fatale, Wizzo!" said Orochimaru gleefully.

"You mean Rizzo?" asked Sasuke.

"This looks nothing like Rydell High School. All you did was put up a banner that says Rydell High School. It still looks like a haunted tunnel in here," said Itachi.

"Ooh, you brought your brother, Itachi. Well hello Itachi it's been ages since I've seen your face around here. If I knew you were coming Kabuto would have made you a jacket. But right now we just have one for Sasuke."

Orochimaru used his tongue to hand Sasuke the T-Birds jacket.

A faint smile crossed Sasuke's face.

"You've just been so down lately, I thought that a Grease Party would cheer you up. Although I've never seen it myself since I only have a Betamax player and your copy of Grease is a DVD which won't work with my Betamax, but I'm sure this is close enough! Kabuto was kind enough to cook some DiGiorno pizza," explained Orochimaru.

"Where is Kabuto?" asked Sasuke, as he admired his T-Birds jacket.

Orochimaru smiled. "Oh, he'll be here soon. He's just taking care of something important right now."

 _I wonder what that means_ thought Sasuke as he ate a big slice of DiGiorno pizza.

All of a sudden he heard a strange noise. It sounded like muffled screams and shouting.

"I TOLD YOU TO PUT ON THE CHEERLEADER OUTFIT!" yelled a distant voice.

"Ooh, I think Kabuto has returned from his special errand! Get ready for the surprise of your life!"

Kabuto entered the room, dragging a squirming sack behind him. He also had on a Pink Ladies jacket. He struggled to move the sack in front of him. "Alright Danny, Rizzo, and… Itachi. Get ready to meet Sandy!" he said as he opened the sack. Naruto Uzumaki tumbled out.

"Where am I? Why did you kidnap me? And why did you throw a cheerleader outfit and a blonde wig in the bag?" He rubbed his eyes to adjust to the light.

"Sasuke? What are _you_ doing here?" asked Naruto as he stood up on shaky legs.

Sasuke's heart and mind began to race. _How did they get Naruto in here? Is he mad at me for kissing him? Does he like Grease? Will he put on the Sandy costume? I love him…_

There was so much he wanted to say to Naruto in that moment.

He lunged towards Naruto.

 _I need to touch him, I need to tell him how much he means to me. Again._

He felt a familiar sensation start from his fingertips and spread through his body.

 _Love? Is this love that I'm feeling? Only one way to find out._

Sasuke reached his arm towards Naruto. He fingers and palms found their way around Naruto's crotch. He looked Naruto dead in the eye and said the only thing that was on his mind.

"GREASED LIGHTNING!" he shouted as his Chidori exploded on Naruto's balls.


	14. Pony Play

Naruto screamed.

 _What have I done_ thought Sasuke. He pulled his hand away from Naruto's crotch.

Naruto proceeded to run away as fast as he could and jumped out the window.

"Oh dear, it seems Sandy wasn't ready for Greased Lightning. But I think Chrysanthemum would enjoy it," said Orochimaru.

"I've ruined my own party- UGH OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" wailed Sasuke as he sprinted to the bathroom. Tears ran down his face.

"What's the matter with Sasuke?" asked Orochimaru.

"You idiot! He just scared away the love of his life, and now he's probably feeling the effects of the Uchiha Curse," retorted Itachi as he stormed off.

Itachi ran to the bathroom and knocked on the door. "Sasuke are you pooping out of your dick again?"

"Yes and the pain is unbearable," Sasuke sobbed.

"Why did you use your Chidori on Naruto's balls?"

"I don't know, I just was excited to see Naruto and wanted to touch him, plus I had Greased Lightning on the brain and it just manifested itself as my chidori."

"That makes no sense. You're never going to win Naruto's love if you do stupid things like that. You should apologize to Naruto because you almost killed him."

Sasuke keeled over from the stinging pain of his dick poop. He cried out.

"Oh Sasuke, why are you yelping in the bathroom? Are you reading a spooky book?" he heard Orochimaru ask from outside the door.

"He's pooping out his dick you fool! I told you it's the Uchiha Curse!" said an irritated Itachi. "He needs to learn the Bust-A-Nut jutsu to get rid of it."

"Oh well why didn't you say so? I know something that will get rid of that old Uchiha curse in no time! But the training might be a little… challenging," laughed Orochimaru.

"I'll do whatever it takes," said Sasuke, nearly collapsing from the searing pain.

"Is this really going to help me learn the Bust-A-Nut jutsu?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes. Now put the bit in your mouth. You can come outside when I give the signal," snapped Orochimaru.

"But why is Kabuto here?"

Orochimaru laughed and ignored his question. He was too preoccupied with his little game.

"Oh Itachi, come over here and watch me train Sasuke and Kabuto," insisted Orochimaru as he walked outside. Itachi followed him. He had always been curious about how the legendary Sannin Orochimaru trained his students.

"Alright Itachi, now my methods may seem a little strange to you, but trust me, I've trained some of the most powerful ninjas and gotten wonderful results,"

"Okay," said Itachi.

"Now then, I have two pretty ponies that I would like you to meet," said Orochimaru.

 _I didn't know Orochimaru kept horses_ thought Itachi.

"First off, we have a sturdy gray steed," said Orochimaru. To Itachi's horror, Kabuto pranced out on all fours. He had a bridle in his mouth and a saddle on his back. He had a spring in his step and shook his hair like a horse's mane.

 _He really belives he's a horse_ thought Itachi.

"And over here is a very special pony, my wild black stallion!" exclaimed Orochimaru.

Sasuke slowly stepped out, walking on all fours. He too was dressed in horse gear. His head was hung in embarrassment. Sasuke gave Orochimaru an irritated glare.

"Now if you're good ponies, you'll get two sugar cubes and a carrot," said Orochimaru cheerfully, patting his crotch. "But if they're naughty they'll only get hay," he muttered in a stern voice.

"I'm a good pony, Lord Orochimaru!" announced Kabuto.

"PONIES DON'T TALK!" hissed Orochimaru.

Kabuto frowned.

"Now it's time to hitch the ponies to the wagon and ride into town!" giggled Orochimaru. He had a large chuck wagon set up in the forest around his hideout.

"Oh and Itachi, I picked out a pretty new dress you can wear into town," said Orochimaru, holding up a green floral dress with his tongue. "Change into this or I'll hitch you to the wagon too," Orochimaru muttered.

 _This is so embarrassing, but I'll do it so Sasuke will never feel the horrible pain of pooping out his dick again_ thought Itachi as he slipped the dress over his Akatsuki robe.

"Oh Itachi, you look lovely. Come sit in the front of the wagon with me," said Orochimaru. Itachi blushed as he climbed into the wagon and sat beside Orochimaru. Despite being unable to move his arms, Orochimaru began violently jerking his body back and forth so he could put his limp noodle-like arm around Itachi.

"Giddyup, ponies!" said Orochimaru, cracking a whip across their backs. Kabuto and Sasuke began to slowly crawl forwards.

"These ponies are too slow. No wonder they were so cheap…" muttered Orochimaru.

Itachi noticed that Kabuto seemed angry at Orochimaru's comments.

"Shouldn't you be nicer to the… uh… ponies? They are working so hard," asked Itachi.

"Quiet woman!" snapped Orochimaru.

Itachi looked down at his dress. _He has gone completely insane… he thinks Kabuto and Sasuke are actually horses and that I'm his wife. This isn't going to help Sasuke with the bust-a-nut jutsu at all. If I'm going to help Sasuke I have to play along with this bizarre game…_


	15. A Daring Escape!

Orochimaru used his tongue as whip, which he smacked across his "ponies" asses.

"That grey pony is hardly working at all. Perhaps he needs to be put out of his misery…" muttered Orochimaru.

Itachi noticed Kabuto turned bright red in anger. Kabuto lifted his elegant grey horse tail. He began to let out a series of noxious smelling wet farts. For the grand finale he took a large dump.

"BWAHHH! This pony shits and farts too much for my liking. And it smells! Oh dear it looks like the beautiful black mare is going to pass out from the toxic fumes!"

Sasuke fell to the ground, unconscious.

 _Now is my chance_ thought Itachi.

"Sasuke- I mean that pony looks very ill. Maybe I should check him out. After all I am a horse doctor," lied Itachi.

"Oh very well, perhaps you should check out the smelly grey pony while you're at it. He won't stop shitting!"

Itachi jumped out of the wagon to check on Sasuke.

"Sasuke, wake up you idiot. We're leaving," hissed Itachi.

"But I have to learn the bust-a-nut…"

"Do you think prancing around like a horse is actually going to help you learn special jutsus? Orochimaru is just a pervert that wants to keep you around for your body. I know where we can find someone to teach you the bust-a-nut jutsu, but we have to leave right now."

"Itachi hurry up and heal my pony!" called Orochimaru. He playfully tickled Itachi with his tongue whip.

"Orochimaru, this pony is very sick and needs to visit the horse hospital. I will bring him there. You stay here and give Kabuto a bath," said Itachi, unhitching Sasuke from the wagon.

"Hmm, perhaps you're right. Kabuto is a dirty, dirty, pony and needs to be cleaned…" said Orochimaru. Kabuto lifted his tail once more and shot a spray of poo right into Orochimaru's face.

"That's the spirit!" said Itachi as he and Sasuke began to run away into the woods.

"Where are we going?" asked Sasuke.

"To an Akatsuki meeting. I'm sure somebody in the Akatsuki knows the bust-a-nut jutsu and will be a better teacher than Orochimaru."

"Do you think Orochimaru will follow us?"

"I certainly hope he'll be too preoccupied with Kabuto to catch up with us. And he's kind of banned from the Akatsuki, so if he does show up he'll get kicked out," smiled Itachi.


	16. Deidara's Dingle Hut

"Okay, here it is!" said Itachi, pointing to a large cave.

"This is where they are holding the Akatsuki meeting?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes. The invite said Deidara's Dingle Hut, which is what we named this cave so no one else *cough cough* Orochimaru- can find it." said Itachi.

"Are you sure you want to go to this meeting and see your exes Deidara and Kisame again?"

"Not really, but we have to get someone to teach you that jutsu! I'll try put up with their foolishness for your sake this time."

They walked into the cave. All the members of the Akatsuki had gathered in the middle of the cave. For once, they were all meeting in person.

"ITACHI UCHIHA! YOU ARE LATE!" bellowed Pain. "Why did you bring Sasuke? And why are you in a dress?"

"Oh, oops" said Itachi, realizing he forgot to take off the dress Orochimaru forced him to wear. He quickly took it off and threw it on the ground.

"Itachi you're normally not the type to wear women's clothes. Have you been hanging around Orochimaru lately?" asked Pain suspiciously.

"Well yeah because I had to pick up Sasuke and-"

"You fool! You know he's been banned from our meetings since that nasty incident a few months ago. He could have followed you here!"

"I can assure you he's too busy with Kabuto to follow us out here…"

"ACCEPT JUDGMENT!" yelled Pain.

"Judgment accepted," said Itachi quietly.

The Akatsuki members were standing in a large circle. Deidara stood next to Kisame, giving Itachi a smirk as he and Sasuke entered the circle. Itachi scowled. He and Sasuke stood between Sasori and Hidan, in order to be as far away as possible from Deidara and Kisame.

"Good. Now let's continue this meeting," announced Pain. He cleared his throat. "Now if we're going to run around the world searching for the tailed beasts, we need to raise some money. I was thinking we could have a bake sale. Does anyone have any other ideas on how to raise money?"

Deidara raised his hand. "Oooh oooh oooh! Well Itachi is a giant slut, so he could sell his body and we could use the money to fund our trip!"

"Oh my God shut up Deidara! You're the slutty one around here. You stole _my_ boyfriend Kisame, and you're still fucking Sasori on the side, that's why you still refer to him as 'Sasori, my man,'" retorted Itachi.

"SHUT UP OR YOU WILL KNOW PAIN!" yelled Pain. "Does anyone have any questions or objections to a bake sale?"

Sasori raised his hand. "Well, I think we should have a fundraising jar that we keep here."

"Good idea," said Pain.

"And every time Deidara cheats on me, we all have to put a penny in the jar," added Sasori.

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" yelled Pain.

"How about a quarter for all the jealous bitches we have in here," snapped Deidara.

Itachi's sharingans appeared once again. He whipped a shoe at Deidara's head. Deidara was about to fight back when he heard an odd hissing noise.

A multitude of snakes began to slither into the cave. The Akatsuki erupted into screams.

"NO IT CAN'T BE!" shouted Pain in disbelief.

"Oh dear me it seems my snakes are getting quite out of hand," said a voice Sasuke knew all too well. Orochimaru proudly walked into the cave. "Oh look at this large gathering of Akatsuki members. You know I'm a member of the Akatsuki right? There better not be a meeting going on that you forgot to tell me about…"

"Orochimaru we banned you, remember?" proclaimed Pain.

"Well I can't imagine why I would get banned. Anyways, I do have a request to ask of all of you. Could one of you smell my finger?"

Loud groans rang through the cave.

"Oh don't be shy about it. I need someone to smell my finger and guess where it has been," giggled Orochimaru.

"Orochimaru, no one wants to smell your dank ass finger," Sasuke announced.

"Sasuke I find that surprising. You normally love to play smell my finger," said Orochimaru.

"You have no business here. You're creepy and you need to leave," added Deidara.

"Sasuke hold my snakes, my dear boy. Actually I do have some business here. I have a special gift for my favorite S-ranked shinobi's."

"No tricks?" asked Itachi.

"No tricks!" responded Orochimaru.

"BESTOW THE GIFT UPON US!" bellowed Pain.

"It's a special flower that I call Chrysanthemum," laughed Orochimaru as he pulled down his pants, revealing his butt-hole.

The members of the Akatsuki began to scream.

"Oooh, it looks like Chrysanthemum is ready to pollinate!" he exclaimed. His face contorted as he let out a large turd from his rear.

"This is only the beginning!" he laughed. He quickly spun in a circle and sprayed wet poo on every member of the Akatsuki.

"Kisame, look out!" yelled Itachi, as he jumped in front of his former lover, shielding his body from the rain of poo.

Orochimaru then shot individual turds like a spray of bullets across the room.

"RUN!" screamed Pain as the members began to scatter.

Sasuke ran as fast as he could out of Deidara's Dingle Hut. He noticed Kabuto outside the cave, standing on all fours, still in his horse costume. He was eating a slice of DiGiorno's pizza.

 _Orochimaru must have bribed Kabuto with pizza and rode him over here. Anyways, the Akatsuki can't help me learn the bust-a-nut jutsu, they can barely help themselves. I should go back to the Hidden Leaf Village to see if I can find a teacher. And maybe I'll bump into Naruto too,_ thought Sasuke as he began to run towards Konoha.


	17. Oh Casey!

Orochimaru ran back to his hideout after the fiasco at Deidara's Dingle Hut. He immediately pulled out a crumpled piece of paper he kept in his pocket and dialed the number written on it.

"Hello, welcome to Konoha Chat, where you can connect with other local singles. Press one to talk to Ashley…"

"Blech!"

"Press two for Christina…"

"Blech!"

"Press three for Casey…"

Orochimaru pressed three.

"Hello, this is Casey…" said a nasally voice.

"Oh Casey, hello! It's me, Orochim- I mean Rex Luthor. How is my favorite girl today?"

"Oh it's youuu," said Casey, slightly slurring her speech.

"Yes it is me. Oh Casey I've had the most horrible day and I need to tell you about it."

"Ohhh."

"Yes, I just came back from an Akatsuki meeting. I wanted to share a special gift with them, but they kicked me out. They are all stuck up and I don't like them."

"Well that's too baaaad," mumbled Casey.

"Oh Casey, you always know what to say! Unlike Kabuto…"

"Kaaay"

"Well Casey, speaking of Kabuto, today he was being a bad pony and shitting everywhere! I just wanted to ride my ponies into town but Kabuto messed it all up! Do you like ponies Casey?"

"Naaaah"

"Well that's a good thing because ponies are nothing but trouble! And speaking of trouble, Sasuke has run off again! I try to keep that boy happy and all he does is run away. Handsome boys are so difficult, although Kabuto is no prize pig and he gives me plenty of grief too."

"Do you want to know what color panties I'm wearingggg."

"Casey! That isn't an appropriate question, young lady! Now pay attention. I'm going to withhold sex from Kabuto until he gives me the respect I deserve!"

"I may look innocent, but I'm a bad bad girlllll,"

"Me too Casey, me too. Oh well, I must get going now, Kabuto's pawing at the door but I'm not going to let him in! Haha!"

"That'll be 25 dollaaaaars,"

"Oh Casey, how silly of me, it seems I don't have any money. But I do have an abundance of snakes! May I pay you in snakes?"

"Nooo,"

"Oh Casey I knew you would understand! I'll call you again tomorrow!"

Kabuto pounded on the door. "Orochimaru! Are you calling that phone sex line again? You don't have any money so stop bothering them!"

"Casey understands me! Unlike you!"

"You are impossible to understand Orochimaru!"

"Kabuto you're so mean and hateful! You go sleep in the yard, I get the bed all to myself tonight."


	18. Tsunade's Dusty Book

After a night of wandering around, Sasuke finally reached the Hidden Leaf Village.

 _I should really get my own apartment, but I need to ask Lady Tsunade for a permit to live here,_ Sasuke thought. _Her office is right over there, I should just stop in for a minute._

Sasuke ran straight to her office. He knocked on the door.

"Oh God… Uhh… Gimme a minute," came a voice from inside.

Sasuke was puzzled. He opened the door. A cloud of dust blew into his face.

"Gaah!" he exclaimed. Once the dust settled, he came across an odd sight: Tsunade was sprawled across the floor, legs spread wide apart with a blanket clumsily draped over her. It appeared that she wasn't wearing any pants.

"Oh sorry, I was just dusting off an old book!" she said coyly. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Haha yeahh!" laughed Tsunade. She had a deep, almost masculine voice, with a faint New Jersey accent.

"I don't see any books here," said Sasuke. "And what's that?" he asked, pointing to a square object she clutched in her hands.

"Oh… this is nothing," said Tsunade, as she attempted to throw it under a table. Her aim was poor, and the picture landed right-side up next to Sasuke. It was a framed picture of a handsome blonde man with spiky hair who looked extremely familiar.

"Was that a picture of Minato?" asked Sasuke.

"NO!" lied Tsunade, blushing. "Anyway, what do you want?"

"I need a permit so I can get an apartment here and live in peace. I need to get away from Orochimaru, Kabuto, and his wretched DiGiorno's Pizza!"

"Who are you again?" asked Tsunade.

"It's me, Sasuke Uchiha!"

"Uchiha you say? Ahh okay. Yeah I knew your dad. He wasn't no DILF that's for sure. But you… you could be a pretty good DILF in a few years. Ya ain't bad looking. You do a little turn for me. Go ahead," said Tsunade twirling her finger.

"Well actually that won't be necessary because I'm not interested in women, I'm interested in Naruto."

"Yeah Naruto. That's Minato's kid. Ahh Minato. Now he was a good lookin DILF. I could look at him all day. In fact I still do… heh," she said, glancing at her picture of him that she threw by the desk.

"So can I get an apartment or not?"

Tsunade shifted around under the blanket, putting her pants back on. She stood up and pulled a piece of paper off her desk.

"Yeah yeah sure. Ya just gotta sign this paper, toots. But hurry up, I got a meeting with the new Kazekage soon. He ain't a looker like the old one, that's for sure. The old Kazekage was a quality DILF," gushed Tsunade.

Sasuke hastily signed the paper.

"Kid, you wanna see something the old Kazekage gave me?" asked Tsunade.

"Not really," said Sasuke.

Tsunade turned her back to him and lifted up her jacket and blouse. Sasuke could see the whaletail of her thong riding up over her pants. Just above her underwear the words "Gold Dust Woman" were etched into her skin. It reminded Sasuke of how the word "Love" was etched into Gaara's forehead.

"Gross! I don't ever want to see that again!"

Tsunade laughed. "Well kid, you're all set with your paperwork. You're apartment will be ready in three days. Now get out, I gotta dust off an old book before I meet this Gaara kid."

"Three days!? I need to move in now!" demanded Sasuke.

Tsunade proceeded to punch Sasuke so hard he flew out of her office and crashed into the wall in the hallway. Tsunade slammed the door shut and locked it.

Sasuke felt extraordinarily dizzy after crashing into the wall. He laid motionless in the middle of the hallway.

 _Maybe I can just lay here for three days,_ thought Sasuke as he began to slip out of conciousness. He heard footsteps running over to him. Someone picked him up off the floor.

"Oh my goodness, do you need help? I'm a healer," said the voice.

Sasuke saw a familiar flash of pink hair.

 _Oh shit!_ he thought to himself. He knew exactly who this was. _Anyone but her!_


	19. What's Cookin' Good Lookin' ?

After a long night of sleeping outside in the yard, Kabuto re-entered Orochimaru's hideout. He found Orochimaru sitting in the living room, watching the news on his large, outdated television.

"H-hey, Orochimaru," said Kabuto.

"Kabuto I have a very important question to ask you… What is a zo?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know, a zo. I was watching the news and there was a story about a handsome gorilla that is kept in a zo."

"You mean a zoo? Where they keep wild animals?"

"Yes that's right. Kabuto let's go to the zo so we can see this handsome gorilla and perhaps steal him. Since Sasuke ran away I need a handsome vessel, and that gorilla may be our only chance."

"What… the… hell…?"

"Oh I knew you would approve Kabuto! By the way, would you like some milk?" asked Orochimaru, pulling a small bag of milk out of his pocket.

"Milk? That tastes terrible with pizza, why would I want to drink that? And where did you get that milk from? Stores don't sell milk in bags."

"Well, it's a bit of a long story, but I suppose I could tell it to you. I went on a walk this morning, and I ran into an old friend. It was Juggo."

"WHO?"

"Juggo."

"OH MY GOD OROCHIMARU CAN YOU PRONOUNCE ANYTHING CORRECTLY? It's pronounced Juuuuuugo, not Juggggggo!"

"Juggo said he had a special gift for me. It was this milk. Juggo's milk."

"Excuse me I have to vomit," said Kabuto as he ran out of the room.

"I didn't finish my story!" he heard Orochimaru exclaim.

As he ran down the long corridor of the hideout, he heard a knock on the front door.

 _I wonder who that could be, we never get visitors. Hopefully it's not that dreadful Juugo character._

Kabuto opened the front door. To his surprise, a large brick pizza oven was placed in front of the hideout.

He reached for an envelope placed on top of the oven.

It read: "Congratulations, valued customer. You have consumed more DiGiorno brand pizzas than any other human in recorded history. Please accept this official DiGiorno's pizza oven as our way of saying thank you! –DiGiorno's Pizza."

Kabuto smiled. He began to drag the large pizza oven into the hideout.

He almost made it to the kitchen when Orochimaru appeared.

"Kabuto what is that? A cage for the handsome gorilla?"

"No dumbass, this is a pizza oven. DiGiorno's gave it to me because I've been such a good customer," said Kabuto proudly.

Kabuto pushed the oven into the kitchen while Orochimaru watched.

"Well how does it work?" asked Orochimaru.

"You just start a small fire in the opening, then slide a pizza with this wooden paddle into the oven and bake it."

"Could you put things that aren't pizza into this oven?"

"Well sure you can, but it depends. What did you have in mind?"

Orochimaru smiled. "Well Kabuto, I feel like you care about your pizza more than you care about me. So I have an idea: why don't you pretend I'm a pizza and put me into the oven? Just for a little bit?"

"ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"No, I think it's kinky. Just slide me in a little bit like a pizza. Chrysanthemum is cold and needs some warmth so she can bloom."

"Alright, alright, just light this DiGiorno's pizza box on fire to warm up the oven, then I'll put you in."

Orochimaru used his amaterasu on the pizza box and threw it into the oven. He then began to straddle the wooden paddle. "I'm ready when you are, Kabuto."

Kabuto picked up the paddle and slid Orochimaru into the pizza oven. Orochimaru could only manage to make his butt and lower back fit into the opening, while his head, arms, and legs awkwardly dangled outside the oven.

"Well Kabuto, are you horny yet?"

"Uhh… kind of."

"Here, try massaging me with pizza sauce and see if that turns you on."

Kabuto grabbed some DiGiorno brand pizza sauce and began to smear it all over Orochimaru's body. "Perhaps I should add some cheese and pepperoni," added Kabuto. "This is fun!"

He began throw various pizza toppings at Orochimaru, breaking out into joyous laughter.

Suddenly, Orochimaru began to sceam.

"KABUTO! This oven is too hot! Chrysanthemum is on fire!"

Kabuto pulled Orochimaru out of the oven. A small flame was flickering over his butt. Kabuto began beating Orochimaru's ass with the paddle in an attempt to put out the fire.

"OUCH KABUTO!" screamed Orochimaru.

"Fire's out! Now let's continue lighting this fire in my heart…"

"Kabuto you fool! You scorched Chrysanthemum! I can't continue our game if she's broken. Go fix her!"

Kabuto peeked at Orochimaru's rear. The fire had burned a hole through his tunic, pants, and underwear. Chrysanthemum, or rather what was left of Chrysanthemum, was visible in plain sight.

"Uh oh…"

"Well?"

"Your backside looks worse than Itachi's butthole."

Orochimaru screamed. "You ruined my favorite flower! There's only one way to fix her…"

"And how do I fix her?" asked Kabuto.

"Kabuto you're a medical ninja, I shouldn't have to tell you these things. You have to crawl up into my snake, through my intestines, and finally emerge from Chrysanthemum."

"Your what?"

"My snake," said Orochimaru, pointing to his crotch. "Watch out for the eggs!"

"I can't crawl into your, uh, snake hole. I won't fit."

"Oh yes you will, it can stretch very wide if you try hard enough. Now hurry up!"

Kabuto winced as he pulled down Orochimaru's pants. He picked up Orochimaru's "snake" and was amazed by how stretchy it was. He widened the snake hole and climbed inside.

"Hey, this is easier than I thought- Oh and my voice echo's in here too!" he said aloud.

"Stop messing about and fix my flower!" barked Orochimaru.

Kabuto only managed to fit his torso inside, when he realized he was stuck.

"Help! Orochimaru I'm stuck!" he cried, while his legs flailed wildly about.

"Kabuto stop moving around so much!"

Orochimaru used his tongue to pick up the paddle and attempted to push Kabuto in further.

"Hello? Anyone in here?" called a voice.

Orochimaru turned to see Itachi and Kisame standing in the kitchen.

The two Akatsuki members began to scream, horrified by what they were witnessing.


	20. The Pink Haired Fool

Sasuke Uchiha lay on the ground. He was being practically suffocated by none other than his old teammate, Sakura Haruno.

"Sasuke! I knew you'd come back to the Hidden Leaf Village! That means we can start dating, and then we can get married and have a child named Salad…" she exclaimed, squeezing him so tightly he felt as though he might pass out once more.

"Sakura, stop, you're hurting me! Ouch!"

"Don't you leave me ever again! And don't hang out with that slut Karin Uzumaki! You're mine now!"

"Karin? What? Tsunade, help me," croaked Sasuke.

 _I have to find a way to get away from Sakura… but how?_

Sakura's grip on Sasuke was so tight that his life began to flash before his eyes. The day he met Naruto, the day they accidentally kissed, the time Naruto broke into his house to tie him up and pretend to be Sasuke so he could flirt with Sakura…

 _Wait! That's it!_ thought Sasuke.

"Sakura… I have to tell you something," he whispered with what little air he had left.

Sakura loosened her grip. "What is it?"

"I… I'm not actually Sasuke."

"What?"

"It's actually me, Naruto. I used a transformation jutsu to turn into Sasuke. Tsunade just gave me a special mission that requires me to disguise myself as Sasuke so I can fight Orochimaru and bring the real one back… Believe it!"

 _Sakura is so dumb she will believe anything, no matter how ridiculous_ thought Sasuke.

Sakura proceeded to slap Sasuke across the face. "NARUTOOOO! Don't trick me like that! I thought you were actually Sasuke… I would have helped him restore his clan right here on the floor if you hadn't have said something."

Sasuke tried not to throw up at the thought of Sakura having sex with him.

"Well, it's a good thing you didn't do that. Haha. Believe it," Sasuke nervously chuckled.

 _I can't ask her where Naruto is, because that will ruin my cover. But who is someone who Naruto spends a lot of time with that might help me learn the Bust-A-Nut jutsu?_

"Sakura, have you seen Jiraya? I, uh, have to train with him today but I can't find him," asked Sasuke.

"No I haven't, but the Hidden Leaf Village is having a bikini model expo in the middle of town today. He's probably creeping around there," Sakura stated.

"Good. I'll look there," announced Sasuke. He quickly stood up and ran as fast as he could away from Sakura.

 _Jiraya is a huge pervert, he's almost as bad as Orochimaru. I bet he knows the Bust-A-Nut jutsu!_ Sasuke thought to himself.


	21. A Change of Plans

Sasuke ran to the center of town. A huge catwalk stage had been set up in the middle of the street, with dozens of chairs surrounding it.

 _Now where could Jiraya be?_

He looked around, searching for the tall white-haired man. He saw a large group of the models walking into a tent marked "Bikini Model Changing Area."

 _I bet he's around there, that old perv…_

Sasuke casually walked near the tent. He looked around when suddenly he tripped over something.

"Gahh!" he cried as he fell to the ground. He turned over to see Jiraya laying on the ground, peeking under the tent flap, giggling to himself. It seemed that he was so preoccupied that didn't even notice that Sasuke had stepped on him.

"Jiraya? Is that you?" asked Sasuke.

Jiraya quickly flipped over. "Excuse me, but I'm busy doing research for my book. Go away."

"It's me, Sasuke! I've come back to the Hidden Leaf Village and I want you to teach me a certain jutsu."

"Oh yeah, Sasuke. I've heard of you. Naruto never shuts up about you, it's like you're his boyfriend or something."

Sasuke's eyes widened with joy.

"Naruto talks about me?"

"Yes, but I'm not interested in talking to you. Today I only want to talk to these sexy bikini models, and since you're neither of those things you need to leave me alone."

"But I need to learn this jutsu today! It's important!"

"Shoo!" Jiraya bellowed.

Sasuke walked away, pouting.

 _I guess I'll never be able to learn that jutsu since I'm not a sexy bikini model_ he thought to himself.

He passed a large bin full of scandalous swimwear for the contestants to choose from. Suddenly Sasuke had an idea.


	22. The Konoha Bikini Pageant

"Welcome everyone to the first annual Konoha Bikini Expo and Pageant! I am your host, Iruka Sensei. Today we have several beautiful models from all over the Land of Fire competing for our special mystery prize!"

The audience began to wildly applaud.

"Now settle down folks, before you can see our lovely contestants, we have to introduce our judges!"

"BOOOO!" yelled Jiraya.

Iruka shot Jiraya an annoyed look. "First off we have our former Miss Konoha Bikini Pageant winner, Kurenai Sensei! Oh this is embarrassing I don't even know your last name…" he said.

Kurenai waved and smiled at the audience.

"Our next judge- would you put that book down already- is none other than Kakashi Hatake!" said Iruka. Kakashi did not take his eyes off the book.

"And finally, we have the mysterious Danzo!" said Iruka as Danzo frowned at the audience.

"What brings you to this pageant, Danzo?" asked Iruka.

"To see them titties!" exclaimed Danzo.

"Well… isn't that… special. I'm not letting this one near the microphone again- Okay! Now shall we begin?"

The audience cheered once more.

"Alright, our first contestant is last year's winner. She describes herself as nice, super hot, and lots of fun. Put your hands together for Casey!"

A petite, tan brunette in a pink bikini walked onstage. She looked mildly bored. She briskly paced across the stage, barely stopping to strike a pose.

She then walked up to Iruka and grabbed the microphone. "Call me on Konoha Chat for a good time," she announced in her nasally monotone voice. "I need money for a boob job," she added before Iruka shooed her away.

"What a- um- charming young lady. Now that's a girl that mixes business with pleasure. What are her scores, judges?"

Kurenai held up a 4, Kakashi held up a 7. Danzo stared blankly at Iruka.

"Danzo you have to write a number down on your paper and then hold it up," said Iruka impatiently.

Danzo held up a 10. "WHAT ARE YOUR RATES?" was scribbled in the corner.

"Danzo! Anyway next up is a local favorite, Ino Yamanaka!"

Ino excitedly strutted down the runway in a purple bikini.

"Ino describes herself as sexy, beautiful, and smokin'- her words not mine- but hands off gentlemen! She's happily taken by her boyfriend, Sai."

Ino blew a kiss to Sai in the audience. Sai nervously peeked at his book about how to behave like a normal person, then proceeded to pretend to catch the kiss in his hand.

She then confidently turned and walked off the stage as the audience cheered.

"Alright judges, what are her scores?" asked Iruka once more.

Kurenai held up a 7, Kakashi held up a 7, while Danzo held up a 0.

"Any particular reason why you gave Ino a zero?" asked Iruka.

Danzo scribbled "SAI'S ASS BELONGS TO ME, NOT YOU!" on his scorecard.

Iruka sighed. "Eww…Okay, next up is someone who is new to the pageant scene. She has lots of dislikes and no likes in particular, and her only goal in life is to 'fuck a certain man'- again her words not mine. Put your hands together for… Sauce!"

Sasuke Uchiha stepped out onto the stage wearing a sequined red bikini. The audience cheered wildly. He hadn't changed his appearance too drastically, except for a light layer of lipstick and mascara. He didn't even bother to wear a wig.

 _My plan is working_ he thought as he stopped at the end of the runway to strike a pose. He pouted, and turned his back to the audience, revealing the glittering thong nestled between his ass-cheeks.

The audience began to scream in delight. Several men in the audience began to experience explosive nosebleeds. Sasuke, still pouting, walked back down the runway and retreated behind the curtain.

 _Even though I look sexy, these sequins are itchy_ thought Sasuke. _This is the price I have to pay for beauty._

"Well judges, what scores did spicy Sauce earn?"

Kurenai held up a 10, Kakashi held up a 10, and even Danzo held up a 10. "BEST TITTIES SO FAR" was Danzo's comment for this round.

"For once, I agree with you, Danzo. We will continue with the rest of the contestants, but don't forget to cast your vote for the People's Choice contestant before the end of the show!" announced Iruka.

Sasuke smirked as he peered through the curtain.

"I wouldn't get so cocky if I were you," said Ino, creeping up behind him.

Sasuke turned to face her, annoyed by her unnecessary comment.

"Casey has won this pageant for the past 3 years. She's going to win it again. Even I don't have a chance, although I probably have a better chance than you. They're not going to let a new girl win, plus Casey bribes the judges with half price phone sex on Konoha Chat," continued Ino.

"Oh we'll see about that," said Sasuke, smirking once more.


	23. An Intriguing Offer

"Well Orochimaru, it only took about 3 hours, but I think I finally have Chrysanthemum back to normal. All thanks to my Samehada sword!" said Kisame as he wiped a trickle of sweat off his brow.

"Thank you, Shark Man," said Orochimaru.

"Lucky for you guys, we came at the right time. Kabuto might have been stuck in your dick forever if we hadn't showed up," added Itachi.

"But more importantly, Chrysanthemum is fixed!" laughed Orochimaru. "Although I am quite tired and I need to take a nap. Shark Man please carry me to my bedroom!"

Kisame sighed as he picked up the frail Orochimaru, and carried him out of the kitchen.

Itachi turned towards Kabuto. "Hey, I think I need to say something to you Kabuto," whispered Itachi.

"What is it?" asked Kabuto.

"What the hell are you doing hanging around Orochimaru? You aren't getting anything out of this relationship. He made you crawl inside his dick, and he didn't even care that you made it out okay. The only thing he cares about is his stupid butt-hole," hissed Itachi.

"You shouldn't say such things about Orochimaru. And why do you care so much anyway, this is none of your concern!" answered Kabuto.

"I'm trying to help you Kabuto. I know a bad relationship when I see one. I myself was in a horrible relationship with Deidara, and no matter how many times he ate out my ass with his hand mouths, that didn't make up for the horrible things he said and did to me. Luckily I got out of that relationship, and even when he stole my boyfriend Kisame I was able to steal him back. I stole him back today actually, but that's a bit of a long story. What I'm trying to say is why don't you leave Orochimaru and come hang out with the boys?"

"The boys?" asked Kabuto.

"Oh you know, the Akatsuki, as well as other missing S-ranked Shinobi's. You would have so much fun hanging out with us instead of with him. Trust me."

"But I listed this hideout as my primary address for my DiGiorno Pizza of the month club, I can't just leave," insisted Kabuto.

"Well if you change your mind, you know where to find us," said Itachi.

"Actually I don't know where any of you live, or even what your names are," said Kabuto.

"You disappoint me Kabuto. Has living with Orochimaru made you forget about your ninja info cards?" smirked Itachi.

"I-I… I think you should leave now!" stammered Kabuto, blushing.

"Very well. Just think about it…" said Itachi as Kisame entered the kitchen.

 _I haven't looked at those cards in ages. Who… Am… I?_ thought Kabuto to himself as Itachi strolled out of the hideout, holding hands with Kisame.

 _I just need to go to bed and clear my head_ , he thought as he made his way to Orochimaru's bedroom.

Kabuto tip-toed into the darkened room and crawled into bed with Orochimaru.

"Sasuke… is that you?" whispered Orochiamaru.

"No Orochimaru, it's me Kabuto."

"Oh… well Kabuto, you know I've been thinking about something lately. I think I realized who I want to spend the rest of my life with," said Orochimaru, still half asleep.

"Oh Orochimaru…" said Kabuto, his glasses gleaming.

"Yes, I've decided I want to spend the rest of my life… with Casey."


	24. And the Winner Is

"Alright ladies, can I have you come back on stage and line up please? It's time to announce the winner of the Konoha Bikini Pageant!" called Iruka.

Casey, Ino, and Sasuke emerged from behind the curtain and took their place on stage.

"And the winner is…."

The contestants began to nervously shake.

"…going to be determined by how well you answer one of these questions!" laughed Iruka.

Ino and Sasuke rolled their eyes. Casey let out a high-pitched scream of pure anger.

"Now ladies, don't get too angry. You can't just win based on how sexy you look in a bikini. We have to make sure you're not robots," Iruka winked. "We actually had a problem with that last year. Some fool tried to enter Robot Naruto into the pageant. He almost won too…" he shuddered.

"Iruka!" snapped the judges in unison.

"Right right I wasn't supposed to bring that up again… Okay ladies I have here in this jar a few questions written by our judges. You will answer these questions and the winner with the most thoughtful answer will win the pageant! Now let's start with Ino," announced Iruka.

Ino proudly flipped her ponytail. "Bring it on!" she said confidently.

"Okay Ino, your question was written by judge Kakashi. In the novel Make-Out Tactics, what unique sex act is described in excruciating detail on page 38?"

"What the… I'VE NEVER READ THAT FILTH!" screamed Ino.

"You have to guess or you forfeit."

"I don't know, 69-ing?" guessed Ino.

Iruka laughed. "False, the correct answer is the angry unicorn sex act. You lose. Now let's see if Casey has a shot at winning."

Ino shot Iruka a death glare as he moved over to Casey.

"Casey my dear, your question was written by judge Kurenai. Ooh and this looks like a tricky one. Name every element on the periodic table of elements."

Casey stared blankly into the audience.

"I… umm… ummm… um," she whined in her flat monotone voice.

"If you don't answer in 5 seconds you forfeit the competition," said Iruka impatiently.

"I… UHMMMM… UMMMMMM… UMMMHH!"

"I think she's broken!" called out a voice in the audience.

Everyone began to laugh.

"Well Casey, looks like you forfeit. Now let's see if the crowd favorite, Sauce, can answer a question!"

Iruka approached Sasuke, who stood with his hands on his hips, pouting.

"Your question was written by judge Danzo. What size bra do you wear? Wait- what kind of question is this!" said Iruka angrily.

"Rules are rules! That's my question and I'm not changing it," said Danzo sternly.

"Wha- Danzo! Why did you include your _room key_ in your question envelope?" asked Iruka.

"You know why it's there, and that key isn't for you Iruka," snapped Danzo.

Sasuke grabbed the microphone from Iruka.

"When your tits are as perfect as mine, they can't be tamed by any bra," said Sasuke with a wink. He handed the microphone back to Iruka.

"Well… since you are the only contestant to actually come up with a relevant or correct answer to the question, you win!" cheered Iruka.

Sasuke smirked.

"The grand prize for winning the Konoha Bikini Pageant is- a lifetime supply of DiGiorno's Pizza! And because you also won the People's Choice category, you win a special edition DVD of Grease!"

 _Wow! Two of my favorite things in the entire world!_ thought Sasuke as a small, genuine smile crossed his face. A huge glittering crown was placed on his head as well as a hot pink satin sash. He gathered up a few boxes of pizza and the DVD and ran off the stage.

"Hey you! Sauce!" yelled a voice.

Sasuke turned to see Jiraya chasing after him.

"You were amazing out there! And look at all this pizza! Someone as beautiful as yourself shouldn't be carrying all this pizza on your own. Why don't you come to my trailer so you can store your pizza and lick my weiner at the same time?"

Sasuke nearly burst out laughing at the ridiculous proposition, but realized the only way to learn the bust-a-nut jutsu was to follow Jiraya into his trailer.

"Fine… but's gonna cost ya!" said Sauce with a wink.


	25. Into the Trailer

"Alright Sauce, this is where the magic happens," said Jiraya as he led Sasuke into his trailer.

The outside was rather plain, but the inside was a different story. Every surface was covered in pink fur, including the walls. Posters of naked women adorned the furry walls. An enormous water bed covered in pink velvet, Native American woven blankets, and furs took up much of the trailer.

Jiraya hastily locked the door. "Oh my it's a little hot in here, perhaps you should take off your clothes," Jiraya said flirtatiously.

"If you insist," giggled Sasuke. He removed his bikini top.

"Nice," said Jiraya.

"I'm a guy, you dumbass," laughed Sasuke.

"Oh… that's disappointing," said Jiraya sadly.

"I'm also Sasuke Uchiha and I talked to you earlier today. You told me to go away, so I entered this pageant to get your attention. Now that I'm here, I demand you teach me the Bust-A-Nut jutsu."

"Ha! You think that's an easy jutsu for someone like you to learn? It requires much patience and skill to master it. Or you could take the shortcut way, but it's a horrible and unpleasant process."

"I'll do whatever it takes!" exclaimed Sasuke.

"Fine. Lucky for you I have all the ingredients we need for the shortcut way."

"What will I have to do?" asked Sasuke.

"Well first you will have to jack-off nonstop for four hours. After the four hours is up you will completely cover your weiner with hot sauce. Then you will drink this special drink that will cause you to hallucinate for a few hours. Once the effects of the drink wear off, you will wash off the hot sauce with overpriced bottled water, then jack-off for another hour. If you are powerful enough, then you will master the Bust-A-Nut jutsu."

"But how will I know if I have mastered it?" asked Sasuke.

Jiraya smiled. "Oh, you will know once you mastered it. Here, I'll open the sunroof in case you are actually powerful enough to learn it."

"That doesn't make any sense, stop being so vague," said Sasuke.

"Kid you better start jacking off now if you want to learn this jutsu by tomorrow! Now I want to get as far away as possible from you, you little weirdo, so I'm going to go find some hookers while you do your thing. And I'm only teaching you this for Naruto's sake!" yelled Jiraya.


End file.
